The Key to Better Conversations: How to Talk When It’s Hard to Listen
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Last Sunday afternoon, I was standing in my local library, looking Jewish, together with a Jewish child. Two teenage boys walked past us, muttered some words they thought would get a rise out of us because we are Jewish, and walked off laughing.
The child turned to me and said, “I want to go home now.” I felt the same.
Being used as a prop—an object of ridicule, or a way to show off bravado to a friend—is unpleasant. The library is usually a place that relaxes me. That Sunday, it didn’t.
I shared this story with participants in a youth forum for high school students in Sydney’s Eastern Suburbs. Our aim: to help every student feel safe, supported, valued, and known—free from demeaning comments and racism.
To get there, students will need to think deeply about what effective dialogue looks like. We offered a few practical tips for them to choose from.
Borrowing from Difficult Conversations (1), we encourage students to explore how multiple perspectives can contain truth. Using “and” helps hold two ideas at once; “but” often signals that everything before it can now be discounted.
The authors of Crucial Conversations (2) describe two unhelpful responses to discomfort.
- Violence includes forcing an opinion, dominating, or attacking.
- Silence includes withholding, masking, or going along out of fear.
The problem with silence is that important information disappears. Dialogue —“the free flow of meaning between people”— becomes impossible.
To help students avoid masking their real views, we ask them to complete the sentence:
“If I was completely honest, I would say that I am not okay with…” (3)
This prompt has led to remarkably open conversations in Brisbane and Sydney schools.
Before entering a challenging discussion, we invite students to ask themselves, “What do I really want out of this conversation?” (4) Is the goal mutual understanding? Persuasion? Venting? Even people with good intentions can derail dialogue if their real purpose is something else.
It has taken me a long time to learn that not every conversation I feel compelled to have Is necessary—or useful. Some people are open to dialogue and mutual understanding. Others are driven by interests so divergent from the common good that real conversation is unlikely. In those cases, walking away can be the wiser choice.
Earlier this month, we began our student forum series. We hope it becomes the start of a longer learning journey that helps these young people build cultures of respect, curiosity, and belonging in their schools.
References
- Stone, D., Patton, B., & Heen, S. (2023). Difficult Conversations. Penguin Books.
- Patterson, K., Grenny, J., Switzler, A., & McMillan, R. (2018). Crucial Conversations. McGraw Hill.
- CHAT: Cultural Hearing and Telling Program, Scripture Union.
- Patterson et al.
Additional Resources
Student Activities
- Related interactive, online student activities include , School Playground (Years 3-4); The Conflict Tree (Years 5-6) and Difference and Discrimination (Years 7-8). All activities are free to access.
Professional Learning
- Explore how you can promote classroom dialogue, in our free online interactive module for teachers, Cohesion in Diversity: Dialoguing on Controversial Issues
Further Exploration
- A third edition (2021) of Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When the Stakes are High, is now available.
About the Author
Rabbi Zalman Kastel was raised in the ultra-Orthodox Hasidic tradition in the racially divided Crown Heights area of Brooklyn, New York. Originally viewing the world through the lens of his community’s traditions, his perspective transformed in 2001 following meaningful encounters with Christian and Muslim communities. Zalman’s journey of interfaith cooperation has been marked by moments of laughter, challenge, and growth, as he works to bring positive experiences of diversity to young Australians. In recognition of his significant contributions to interfaith and intercultural understanding, Rabbi Kastel was appointed a Member of the Order of Australia in 2020.
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Metadata © Together for Humanity (except where otherwise indicated). Digital content © Together for Humanity (except where otherwise indicated). Video © Together for Humanity (except where otherwise indicated). All images copyright their respective owners. Text © Together for Humanity is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International License (CC BY-SA 4.0).
Copyright
Metadata © Together for Humanity (except where otherwise indicated). Digital content © Together for Humanity (except where otherwise indicated). Video © Together for Humanity (except where otherwise indicated). All images copyright their respective owners. Text © Together for Humanity is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International License (CC BY-SA 4.0).
- Stage: All
- Curriculum: All
- Topics: Dialogue; Resilience; Peace and Conflict